My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
