i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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