Pants 0. Shit 1.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
