My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it's not cheating when I paid for it
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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