she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
We need a shit load of segways right now
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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