fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
