If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
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official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.