He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?