I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
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I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
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damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS