I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
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I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
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So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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