i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
