Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
