I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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