Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
