So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
