sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
