I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
