What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
