Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
