her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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