when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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