im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
