you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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