I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
