My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
