Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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