so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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