Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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