there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.