you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
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The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
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Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...