sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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