I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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