cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
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I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
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I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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