Whod you bang
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
