god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
