If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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