Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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