Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
