everyone is single if you try hard enough
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
