She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
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Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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