thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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