if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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