they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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