you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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