they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
