My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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