I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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