Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
