True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
