I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
