Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
