I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
