Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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