he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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