He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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