is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
operation harelip BJ is a go
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
