remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Holy sore nipples Batman
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
