Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
