Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
