At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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