I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
